The Great Denver Disappointment

My belief system is pretty granola. I believe everything is connected in some way. I believe in karma. I believe in fate. I believe nothing happens by chance and every experience has a purpose. I believe in hard work and determination and a certain spirit necessary to attack life fearlessly. But most of all, I believe in hard lessons learned.

Sometimes though it takes a great disappointment to reveal a lesson you desperately need...you just need a reason to find it.

It all started late Thursday night when Rick broke the bad news. Yet another job opportunity out West didn't pan out, and this one was SOOOOO promising. I had mentally packed my bags and started our new life. I had cleaned out the house, repaired and painted and pretty much obsessed over everything Denver. Even the kids were stoked about an impending move, and together we spent more than a month eagerly planning our Western invasion...

and then...

well...

nothing.

Yet again.

It seems ever since we moved to Virginia, I have treated life here as if we are temporary tenants, just passing through on our way to bigger and better places. It was as if my whole future was riding on a move I had determined would happen soon.

Soon, clearly, never came. And, nine years later, we're still here in the same Virginia neighborhood. Not that Virginia is so awful. It's not. I've just always envisioned myself in Colorado, so subconsciously, I don't think I ever allowed myself to truly settle here.

I didn't realize any of this, of course, until the Great Denver Disappointment forced me to sit down and really think about our life here. And, it hit me. For the past nine years, I've been so intent on living in the what could be, I've neglected the what is.

There were all the little things we missed out on like vacations we didn't take because a job opportunity might come up or the home updates we didn't do because what's the point if we won't be here long enough to enjoy them or the garden I neglected this year because I didn't want to waste my time on something that might soon belong to someone else or the activities we passed on because why start something you may not finish or the races I never registered for because we might not be here to run them.

I was in limbo it seemed, and much like purgatory, I walked around in a constant state of breathless anticipation of that one opportunity that would afford us some exit papers. I kept telling myself to hold off making any major decisions until we settle out West. Just wait. Just be patient. Everything happens in good time.

What I realized is my whole approach is absolutely ridiculous. I am so focused on getting to Denver that I'm neglecting our life here in Virginia. Virginia is here. Virginia is now. Denver is and has always been a distant dream, a fantasy really, because the truth is I've only spent a month in Colorado and 99% of that trip was in the middle of freakin' nowhere. Colorado, for me, is like the Emerald City; it sits in my mind at the end of a glorious yellow brick road, and I've convinced myself it promises a whole new world of opportunity and exploration and excitement and...CHANGE.

I'm a Sagittarius, you know. I crave a good shot of change every now and then.

The thing is, though, I don't necessarily need Denver to create change. And, THAT is one lesson I needed to learn.

What I need is to sit down and figure out where I fit in here and now in Virginia. I need to settle just a bit, and discover what I can make of my life here. I need to stop putting off my goals and just start going for them.

The truth is Denver may never happen. I'd like to think one day we'll make it out there, but I certainly cannot continue to live my life as if it's definitive.

It's not.

What I will do from here on out is hold onto hope that we will not be Virginians forever, but in the meantime, I'm going to start living our life here and now and not wait for a version of our future that may never come.

Soooo...I'm starting my fresh start with a list of all the things I have here that make me one ridiculously lucky chick. These are the things that eclipse the Great Denver Disappointment, the very things in my life that make me obscenely happy because without them, I would be a mere shell of who I am.

I've got a rockin' husband (who also happens to be my best friend) who I'm totally and absolutely obsessed with; three healthy, happy and completely perfect kids; two supportive parents who live minutes away; brothers I know I can count on no matter what; and the most awesome girlfriends in the freakin' universe! 

And, I have so much to look forward to whether we are here or there or anywhere really. I have so many things I'm passionate about...my writing; being healthy and strong; living naturally and honestly; and motivating other kick-ass women out there in the big bad world to believe in themselves no matter what. I have an awesome place to workout with cool chicks I really dig, and with my certification fresh, I have a whole new world of opportunity just waiting for me. A whole lotta positives, right?

The Great Denver Disappointment was a disappointment...sure. But, in truth, I think I was meant to walk away from the whole thing stronger and more positive and with more fire than I had before.


(And, to my very, very good friend who sent me some encouragement from John Quincy Adams at the very moment I needed it most....no worries. I haven't lost my fight. I've just gained some much-needed perspective.)

"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." 

Word to the mutha'.

****Oh, and as a side note to my husband who I don't think ever reads this blog (I think he's afraid to know what I write about!)...if you should ever come across this post, I want you to know I go where you go, and I stay where you stay. Period. In the end, where we are doesn't really matter as long as we're all together. It's pretty simple math really...even for me ; )