Reclaiming Your Sex Esteem

Okay...if you are one of those women who get nervous when people talk openly about sex, then I should probably advise you to exit this blog immediately. However, I won't because I think women need to talk about sex MORE often. Not only is it fun, but according to a recent study, I am not as weird as I thought because talking about sex is...let me get a whoop! whoop!...healthy!

I thought for a brief second I should refrain from writing this blog today (I mean my Catholic-Irish momma reads this thing, and she likes to pretend I'm as innocent as the Virgin I was named after.), but Rick is away on a business trip; I'm knee deep in my most hormonal time of the month; and frankly, I've just got sex on the brain. It's been four whole days people!!! And, then I see this article today talking about a recent study of women and sex. Well, I took it as a sign...

I'm taking this opportunity to break down some more chains society has put around women. It's time to let our sexual beasts breathe, ladies! It's time for an adult birds and the bees talk. (Sorry, Mom!)

Here's the thing...I enjoy sex, and I'm not afraid to have fun with it or talk about it or just plain do it. And, according to that study, open communication about sex increases sexual satisfaction, frequency and self esteem. All. Good. Things.

Unfortunately, it appears most women feel strange talking about sex or being sexually aggressive. They are worried about going against the sexual grain, if you will, because they have been told their whole life it's not proper for a good girl to be sexual. Leave that to the sluts and the bad girls with no daddies.

Um...NEWS FLASH!!!!!! I have a daddy, and I don't consider myself a slut. In fact, I think my sexual beast is quite a healthy one, thank you very much. And, I would imagine if you sat my husband down and asked what he thought about it, he would offer no complaints. Take that, society!

Look, I'm a mom of three kids under the age of eight. I know it's hard to feel sexy sometimes when you have kids hanging off your arms and legs and you spend your entire day running errands, cooking meals and feeling completely momified. It's almost as if marriage and kids is the antithesis to sexual excitement. My life was turned upside down and rocked all over the place after I gave birth to my first son. I felt fat, boring and tired. I felt pulled in so many directions I could barely keep my feet on the ground, and to top it all off, I was the great milking cow 24 hours a day. Needless to say, the last thing on my mind was sex.

It became quickly apparent, though, that by sacrificing my sexual beast for my growing place in Mommyhood, I was sacrificing a very vital part of my womanhood. I just didn't feel like myself. And, I can tell you, with every day that passed sex-free, I felt less connected to my husband. The truth is: sex is about intimacy, and without it, you start to lose yourselves and forget to reconnect in the most basic, physical form.

Think about it: makeup sex, funeral sex, wedding sex, crying sex and happy sex. These labels came from somewhere! People crave sex when they most need intimacy, when they are most emotional. Some of the most awesome sex I've ever had was after a huge fight or when I was really sad about something or really high on life because something amazing just happened. It's in those moments we truly connect with our men...and consequently, ourselves.

So, if you're in the mommy rut, how do you get out of it and reclaim your sex esteem?

The best advice I can give you is to make sex an open topic in your relationship. Talk about it, joke about it, play with it. It's all about having fun and taking the pressure off. Sex should invigorate you; it shouldn't be a chore. I guarantee if you give it a try, you'll find your little sexual revolution pays off in the end.

Here are a few scientifically-proven sexy facts to help get you in the mood:

1. Sex reduces stress. I use sex to get rid of headaches. It's more effective than Advil, and it's so much more entertaining. I swear it totally relaxes every muscle in your body.

2. Sex makes you happy. Studies found couples who increased sex from once per month to once per week experienced the happiness equivalent of receiving a $50,000 raise. Not bad, huh?

3. Sex increases your immune system. Sex increases your antibodies, which fight off infections. That would explain why I crave sex when I'm sick! Duh!

4. Orgasms ease pain. During an orgasm, a woman's pain threshold can increase by 74.6%. Not sure how that helps in my daily life, but it's interesting. I can tell you I feel instantly less sick and more energized after sex.

5. Regular sex makes couples more secure in their relationship. I personally think this is true. I've seen tons of women hit on my husband, and I don't worry. I think our healthy sexual relationship gives me more confidence in our everyday relationship. I feel more connected to him and less concerned about losing him to some other chick. And, we all know men hate a jealous woman!

So, I hope I didn't offend too many readers with my bedroom talk, but I'm thinking there are more women intrigued by sex than not. After all, Sex and the City wasn't one of the most popular shows of all time for no reason. The truth is: sex is a huge part of life, and whether you want to admit it or not, we are innately sexual beings.

Look, if your sex life is rockin', then more power to you. But, if you feel you need a little boost, then I say you should go home tonight, tell society to shove their outdated expectations out the window and release your sexual beast for a little sprint around the block. Trust me, you won't be disappointed, and you might just find you don't want to turn back either. Just remember to turn off your brain and let your body have a little fun.

 



 

The Italian Code

Can I just say how much I love, love, LOVE Italian men? They are completely sexy in a dark, mysterious, I could drink you up all day long kind of way. They are romantic and strong with a high pain tolerance for opinionated, strong-willed women. They tend to be the type of men who could totally kick your ass, but they don't need to because they have way too much confidence to waste their time on you, which eliminates the whole obnoxious man-eating, ego-spitting, testosterone-dripping episode that usually shadows insecure men like a pop-up thunderstorm---totally unpredictable and comes at the most inopportune time. I can tell you with confidence they are exceptional at...ahem...many things, and most important, they adore women. Um...and let me make this distinction clear in case you missed it...they adore W-O-M-E-N. Real women. Not women trapped in a girl's body. Not women with fake this and fake that. Not cover girls who look like they missed one too many meals. They adore a woman with a little something to hold onto. They want a woman built the way a woman should be built...boobs, butt and more curve than a jacked-up highway after a few too many drinks.

Now, let me set the record straight here. I am not talking about the men you see on Real Housewives of New Jersey. I'm not talking about Planet Jersey at all (though I will give props to the Joes of the world who embrace their curvy wives with such gusto it can make even the toughest critic blush.) I'm talking about men like my husband who is a Californian and part Italian and clearly had a mom who raised him right. He has all the Italian traits I love without the the chauvinistic edge that, unfortunately, can ruin even the hottest of hot Italian sex gods. (Sorry, boys, but a confident, strong woman is not going to waste her time playing mommy to you all day long no matter how gorgeous you are.) In short, if I had made a wish list of all the traits my future husband should have, I would have been writing about him.

I could go on and on about the many things I love about my husband, but today I will focus on the trait I think most women will appreciate. He does not have an American perspective on women's bodies, yet he was born and raised in the very heart of plastic America. My husband is one of the few men I've come across who truly and unconditionally loves a woman with some meat. I'm talking boobs, hips and even that little pouch of fat on our lower abs we ladies would sell our left arm to never see again. He loves that. (For the record, I'm not in love with my baby pouch, but it's nice to know someone can appreciate the leftovers from three c-sections.)

And, perhaps this is the time to reveal my stats. Yep. I'm one of those women who did not win the genetically thin lottery. I have the type of Southern farm girl build that holds onto weight in all the right places just in case you want to breed some more farmhands or move some bales of hay before dinner. I have HIPS, not hips. I have what my husband lovingly refers to as drumstick legs, which would make me first pick for a survival expedition just in case the food ran out. However, they are not so conducive to everyday life that may involve things like...I don't know...shorts, skirts, high heels. The funny thing is he likes my strong legs, and although I have had a life-long struggle with my perception of said legs, I have kind of grown to appreciate their strength and in that way, their unique beauty. They are what they are, and I am proud to have a trait that sets me apart from the ideal. In the great words of Caroline Manzo, "I own it."

Look, my husband may have been raised to love women the way they are, but I was raised to hate the way I look. And, it's literally taken me YEARS to come to terms with what I've got. The truth is I'm not what most people would consider the ideal. I am strong and in shape and solid and healthy, and I have the curves of a woman. I'm just not capable of being a size 2. It's not in my genetic code. It is, however, in my code to maintain a healthy size 8. And, you know what, I can honestly say I am okay with that now. It's so strange how I have come to actually love the way I look. Sure, there are parts I'd like to tone up a little more, but overall, I like what I see in the mirror. That is HUGE for me. And, seriously, it has helped being with a man for 12 years who loves me and wants me just as I am with no revisions and no deletions.

So, part Italian or not. That makes him pretty perfect for me.