What Shadows Can Teach Us

For those readers who haven't already figured it out, I am passionate about many things...

Family because in the end they are the very rock that keeps you grounded. Earth because I am in awe of it and too often we forget we are the tenants and not the other way around. Female empowerment because I am woman hear me roar, and there are too many of us who spend our whole life caught up in the sticky spiderweb of unhealthy and unrealistic ideals that just plain suck. Art, in any form, because it can breathe life into shadows and whisper words of encouragement and hope when we most need them. Books because though I get older every year, they are my temporary Never-Neverland. And, life because it's nearly always a race to live it before the finish line is in your sights.

I found myself thinking about that last statement just this afternoon. My kids and I are all home recovering from strep, and I decided to spend the day catching up on e-mails as I prepare to reenter the world of the productive tomorrow. I came across this post on Petite Peanut, a business that makes kid clothing:

"I am DEEPLY moved by the hundreds of messages I have received in support of my baby boy. I don't know if I have any tears left. He is a superhero, my superhero, and is a FIGHTER. We continue to enjoy every moment we have with him, as we all should with our loved ones. My minutes and hours are still full of prayer hoping for a miracle. But, we know he has a great work to do in Heaven and have found peace in our Savior's plan for him and our family."

Nestled among the recent posts was a blurred picture of the dad holding his sick baby boy...the frame resonated with a mixture of sorrow for what might not be tomorrow, unparalleled love that only a parent could truly understand and strength...that if you hold on just tight enough, all will be well in the end. It is an image I will not soon forget.

I found myself needing my kids at that very moment. Emma had curled herself under the living room table in an effort to avoid her brothers' afternoon antics and had fallen asleep. I laid down next to her, tracing my finger around one rosy cheek as she cradled her other one in the tiny hammock of her chubby palm and my heart felt so suddenly full I couldn't imagine giving up this moment or any of the other millions of moments to come for anything...anything. And, the very thought of having those moments taken from me and my full heart becoming a mere echo of what it is today would be unbearable.

This blog is about empowerment. About taking a challenge and turning it on its head. It's about standing up for yourself and living the life we have, not hoping for something we don't need. It's about being you and loving yours. It's about authenticity.

I have a tendency to take on the world not one challenge at a time but 20 challenges all at once. Which is great...for a mythical superheroine...but totally and impossibly retarded for a real person who really should be focusing on what really matters...in the here and now, that is.

The past three weeks I've been so caught up in getting this done and fixing that and the world will end if everything doesn't work out perfectly and what if I make the wrong decision and completely screw it all up, I literally forgot to stop and breathe for a moment. I stressed myself and my family out so badly, we all ended up sick and exhausted and unbalanced. Life passes by quickly...true. BUT it's the small moments that make it worth living. Sometimes I get so caught up in the big picture and my self-inflicted role of superwoman, I forget to slow down and breathe life in.

It's not that serious, right? Just BREATHE.

Life is stressful most days. The errand list is too often longer than Santa's delivery list. The laundry pile is always toppling over. The house is never clean enough. Your race pace is never fast enough. Your workout always seems rushed. Your kids are always fighting or sick or tired or hungry or talking incessantly about things you can't even begin to understand or answer intelligently. Your husband has those days where you are totally convinced he was abducted by aliens and replaced with a new prototype that completely doesn't get you. You feel fat or old or tired or all of the above. And, sometimes you just want to run away to a deserted island for five minutes and breathe...but you don't because you tell yourself you can't.

Not true.

You can. YOU. CAN. BREATHE.

Yes, it's a novel concept, but it can be done. Believe me, if I can do it, anyone can.

Because, you see, though you have days or even weeks where nothing seems to go quite your way, you have to realize none of it really matters in the end. What matters is what makes you happy. And, I'm not talking about margarita-night happy but filled-to-the-brim, pain-in-my-heart happy.

For me, that happiness comes from my family.

Early last week, Emma swallowed a penny she found under the couch cushions, and it got so perfectly stuck in her throat, she turned blue, then purple. I had that out of body moment where I thought, 'this is it...I may lose her.' It was by far the worst moment of my life yet. I managed to Heimlich the penny out before the ambulance arrived, but those few seconds were only a glimpse into what I would feel without all of my kids here with me. That moment was a mere shadow of the darkness other parents have found themselves thrown into.

So, I send out my deepest and dearest L.O.V.E to the parents of little Clayton at Petite Peanut Boutique during what may undoubtedly become the darkest hour of their lives. I don't know them personally, but their story has touched me deeply, and I owe them for reminding me of what's most important when life gets stressful. Your courage and strength inspire me to be strong in the face of adversity and your sorrow reminds me to slow down and breathe deep in a world that never seems to stop spinning.