Facing Fartageddon

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER 

Just started my monthly today, so I'm feeling like caked-over dog poo that has been baking in the sun for four hours. TMI...yes...however, I want to justify my blog topic today.

Forgive my hormones, people, but it's really NASA's fault for inspiring this blog by issuing a Solar Flare Warning while my hormones are raging and I'm completely and irrationally annoyed by every little thing. Apparently, our sun's current cycle will peak between 2012 and 2013, and it has some pretty nasty flares in store for us. Not a big deal unless said flares decide to send clouds of solar wind hurtling toward our planet. Picture a prehistoric-sized fart storm descending upon Earth...fun stuff, huh?

Good news: fart storm will not offend our overly sensitive American flower smellers. However, it will destroy or disfigure our power grids, leaving millions of people without electricity for months or even---cough---years, resulting in massive human casualties. Oh, so this is what they meant by Armageddon.

Gotcha. Thanks New York Times.

So, here I am sitting on the computer fully connected to the modern world with my air conditioner blowing and my kids quietly preoccupied with video games and the cutest monster baby ever napping to the soothing vibrations of an electric fan outside her door. And, I realize I'm not ready for a shit storm...not today anyway. But, perhaps I should make an emergency plan, so I am ready for 2012's Fartageddon.

1. Buy a plot of healthy land miles and miles from people. I definitely don't want to be in a townhouse in a suburb surrounded by thousands of people who freak out when the power goes out for ten minutes during a 100-degree heat wave. Imagine the pandemonium when the power goes out for years.

2. Build a solar-powered house. What better structure to live in during a solar flare crisis? At least, I'll have plenty of sun to electrify my home. And, then I can make thousands each year selling back my excess energy to the electric company. Not a bad deal, really.

3. Use well water or have a water source nearby. Guessing no power means county water filtration systems may not work. Better learn to love that iodine unless I want to find raw sewage in my taps one fine morning. Contrary to popular belief, I do have boundaries. Yuck.

4. Become a farmer. Sadly, grocery stores need power to keep their food fresh. Remember the blizzard of 2010? Our grocery stores had zero fresh food for days. Now imagine zero fresh food for weeks or years. My husband can't function without food every two hours. He may have to be my first sacrifice if we run out...just to save my sanity.

Okay, so my emergency plan would cover the basics of survival 101...food, water and shelter. Here's the thing though...I can't do anything on that list. It would be fantastic to have enough money to become self reliant, but even Thoreau couldn't escape the confines of the dollar. I give my brother credit. He sold his business, gave up his million-dollar spread, built an off-the-grid home in the middle of bum-fuck Pennsylvania and started growing his food. He's about as self reliant as an American can get. However, he had the means most of us middle-classers only fantasize about when we see those stupid lottery commercials.

Look, the odds of Fartageddon collapsing the world as we know it are probably nonexistent. And, let's be honest, there are tons more threats we could obsess about all day long like nuclear attacks, global warming, rogue meteors the size of Texas, an alien invasion or the declining bee population (hey, that alone could starve the human population in four years!). Or, maybe the apes will finally tell us to fuck off and take over the planet. There's always some threat looming out there, and I just don't think there's any point in worrying about it.

We're only here once right, so let's make the best of what we've got. Enjoy life. Eat it up. Live it, and don't worry about the roof caving in one morning. The best you can do is be the best version of you.

So, here's my revised (and totally possible) Fartageddon Emergency Plan.

1. Do whatever it takes to be happy.
2. Love as hard as I can every day.
3. Stop yelling so much. (That's a hard one.)
4. Be a minimalist. (Do I really need that thing at Target even though it's only $1...nope.)
5. Be an environmentalist-hippie-new age chick. (Already almost there...have you met us? C'mon.)
6. Have lots of hot sex. (Yum.) (Double yum.)
7. Be as strong as I can be. (You know, just in case I have to haul my own water three times per day from a creek one mile from my house.)

Look, I may not be able to build my Fartageddon bunker, but I think this plan will make my time on Earth pretty worth living. And, imagine if everyone adopted my emergency plan...wouldn't the world be a better place anyway?

So, who cares if the world is slated to exist for only sixteen-or-so more months....just think about all the sex you could have between now and then. Now, that's what I call emergency preparedness.

Oh, and just for the record, I really don't think anything is going to happen in 2012, but I think the whole "live every day to your fullest potential" philosophy is a pretty positive way to run your life with or without the end haunting your tail. A little positive change never hurt anyone, right?
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Want to be totally amused (or freaked out) by the possibilities of Fartageddon, here's just one of the many articles floating around out there in space:
 http://www.nytimes.com/cwire/2011/06/09/09climatewire-this-weeks-solar-flare-illuminates-the-grids-63979.html?pagewanted=all

For a less end-of-the-world-mass-hysteria approach to the solar flare issue, read this article from Universe Today. Gotta love those NY Times journalists!:
http://www.universetoday.com/14645/2012-no-killer-solar-flare/